*Warning, obscene language*


Dear Diary,

I am close to breaking point with morons! Let me tell you about two phone calls I’ve had in the space of 24 hours.

*phone rings*

Me: Hello?

Lady: Hello, I really need your help. My cat gave birth 3 days ago and she’s gone missing.

(I can hear shouting and screaming in the background)

Me: Ok, how long has she been missing for as the babies will need food every 2 hours, so if she isnt’ home soon you will have to handrear the babies.

Lady: Well I don’t know how to do that, can you help.

Me: Yes, but you will have to sign over the babies to our care.

Lady: So does that mean I can get them back then once they are old enough to be rehomed.

Me: Uhm, no, sorry.  We have to buy special milk for them for the weeks that they need food until they are weaned, we use panacur at 2,4,6,8 weeks of age, and then we flea and worm them, get them neutered/spayed, vaccinated and microchipped.  That also doesn’t include me being up day and night every two hours.

Lady: Can you wait for a second please *she explains to her other half that the babies wouldn’t be coming back*


So, I then ask the lady to place the screaming idiot on the phone in not so many words, he refuses to speak to me so his other half places me on speaker phone to try and talk some sense into him. I then say:

Me: Hello? Excuse me sir, but I am not social services and I haven’t touched your babies and if you can rob a bank to pay me to have them back then why not rob that bank to buy formula to feed said babies?

He refused to listen, so I said to his other half.

Me: Look, you rang me for help, I suggest that you make your other half a coffee, light him a fag, then slap him to knock some sense into him so he will shut up, it could be because he is screaming like a banshee that it’s scaring the mum cat into hiding as she doesn’t feel safe.

She apologises and hangs up….

Then I get another call from them asking if I can set up a payment plan of £250 per month and they can get their babies home. I explained again that if they have that sort of money then they can buy the bloody formula for less every month and do it themselves, I even offered free advice and support if and when needed. She hung up again. I then get a text to say now everything has calmed down mum cat is home.  Really???? You fucking moron!!!!! Not even a sorry for speaking to me like a piece of shit.

So I messaged to say ‘I think next time you ask for my help, it would be nice of you to speak to me rather than scream and shout at me’.

His response? ‘I was shouting at my wife, not you’

My response ‘If I was your other half and you shouted at me like that, I would leave, you are very lucky’.

Again, no sorry for the way he spoke to me, no common courtesy of omg omg I am so sorry but I was worried that I had lost my baby and I was emotional….DICKHEAD!

Each time I got off the phone I gave them the one finger salute!

Diary, I am sick to the back teeth of people thinking that I owe them something when all they do is treat you like a piece of shit.  Whatever happened to ‘Sorry for bothering you late on a weekend, but I really need some help and advice please and thank you?


So, someone asks for my help as a cat has been hanging around for a very long time and is believed to be abandoned by the owner.  The lovely lady managed to get the cat into a greenhouse for me to try and get the cat into a cat box (not fun as the cat went crazy in the greenhouse jumping near my head, breaking pots and plants and generally acting very feral indeed).  Eventually I get the cat calmed and into a cat box where I checked the cat for a chip.  Woohoo I thought, she is chipped.  There was no woohoo about what happened next. I rang and left a voicemail as there was no reply.

Suddenly my phone rings!!

Me: Hello?

Lady: You left a voicemail on my machine?

Me: Yes! I did, I think we have your cat!

Lady: Right, and what.

Me: Oh, has she not been missing?

Lady: Yeah, for two years, stupid cat.

Me: Would you like me to bring her home?

Lady: NO! I don’t want that stupid feral bitch. She’s evil, she went missing over 2 years ago, she had food then hopped over the fence and she went, I was glad to see the back of the cunt.

Me: Oh, she seems a little scared.

Lady: Scared, I’ll fucking show her fucking scared the stupid fucking feral.  She bit me and attacked me when I took her to the vets.

Me: Maybe she was scared?

Lady: She’s not scared, shes just a bitch, I don’t want her back, she can fuck off, you have her.  I’ve got a new dog anyway so I can’t have her.

Me: Ok, can you text me on this number relinquising all of your rights to the cat?  I will try and find her a lovely home that suits her needs.

Lady:  Yeah, ok, good luck with that!

*Lady hangs up*

What on this god forsaken earth does this woman expect from a cat that’s nervous, doesn’t like the vets and clearly knows this woman is an absolute cunt herself?

Again, that one finger salute came in useful once off the phone.

I am still quite impress with myself that I don’t lose my temper until after the animal is safe.  Stupid, stupid people!

So, if you are having a bad phone conversation use that one finger salute, it really works 🙂

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